Six Uses for Beef You Never Thought Of

"The world is your Oyster (or should I say beef!)"

by Joe Henson


Beef: it’s not your grandpa’s meat. Steaks, jerky, ribs roast. You know all of these as practically the best thing to happen to the human race. But what you perhaps didn’t know, dear reader, is all of the LIFE HACKS you could be taking advantage of right now. Let’s take a look.

1. Moisturizer

It’s a little known fact that beef can be used as an all-natural skin moisturizer. And, due to the endoglyphens found in beef (which are a real thing and not a sciency-sounding word I just made up), there’s also a natural exfoliant in beef, meaning you can get rid of all of that dead skin in the slick, sweet smell of some hot beef.

2. Clothing

We all know about Lady Gaga’s famous meat suit, but what you may not know is that jerky is a perfect substitute for denim. Get that perfect chic beef look with a teriyaki jacket or get that pair of pants that perfectly show off that butt with a pair of roasted pepper jeans. There’s practically no way to go wrong with nice, dry jerky look.

3. Building Material

One little known fact about steak is that it ranks a 6.5 on the Mohs’ Hardness Scale, meaning it’s a perfectly suitable material to make yourself a nice little hut, or even build that home on the water you’ve always dreamed of. And the savings can be significant compared to a normal building material like wood if you happen to own your own beef farm. The world is your oyster (or should I say beef!)

4. Contraception

While often not thought of as an aphrodisiac, the hormones present in beef means that, in absence of normal birth control, condoms, and IUDs, a hearty helping of good old beef can keep you safe from the perils of parenthood. The recommended serving of beef is somewhere around two and four pounds for both parties involved, but to stay on the safe side, each partner may want to go as high as ten (but let’s be honest, a normal rule of thumb is the more beef the better).

5. Clock

Here’s a fun experiment you may be familiar with: with the right wires and hookups, you can use a potato to power a clock. What you may not know is you can do the same with beef! Grab yourself a pack of Laura’s 92% Lean Ground Beef, some random wires and get both the ability to tell the time and that sweet, sweet beef scent we all know and love.

6. Actual Food

While often overlooked, beef is a great source of protein, thiamin, riboflavin, pantothenic acid, folate, niacin, vitamin B6 and B12, not to mention a tasty main ingredient in nearly any meal, which is why you should tune in to Between the Bars (Monday at 6p), NPR2 with Art and Edwin (Friday at 3p), and Alt Expose with Ruth and Rose (Sunday at 3p) for the opportunity to get some free beef packages from Laura’s Lean Beef!

Joe Henson is the host of Capricious Cacophony at 3:30 to 4:30 on Wednesdays. You can find his incoherent ramblings at