There’s a Story at the Bottom of this Bottle
10:54pm: I love the new man romper.
I have been planning this for a while, an article about nothing but the degradation of dignity and mindfulness as a person succumbs to the whimsy of alcohol. I don’t drink A LOT, I drink socially and on some occasions (like holidays). I consider myself to be a bit of a heavyweight, I can take shots and I never get hangovers. My choice for this particular writing: sweet red wine. I will drink the entire bottle by the end of the article, and I will document all drunk thoughts and inquiries. I will also provide a current song as this is being posted on a music website. I am getting drunk alone and will need musical stimulation to convince myself this isn’t a terribly sad thing to do on a Thursday night in my mother’s basement.
My mother struggles to open a bottle of Barefoot Sweet Red Blend wine, her arsenal for removing the cork includes a hammer, two knives, a screw, and a pair of scissors. I begin to think about the journey I am about to take: one bottle of wine, one night, one article.
My mom finally removes the cork from the bottle, I could hear stadium applause in my head, but my mother just said, “don’t put the bottle back in there, just drink the whole thing.” If only she knew…
This tastes like communion wine from a Catholic church, I’m usually more of a moscato gal myself, but I am looking to expand my horizons. I am not a fan.
I wince as I drink straight from the bottle, my mom inquires, “you don’t like the taste? Wine is a stupid thing to drink.” This statement is coming from a woman who unironically enjoys Bud Light Platinum. I am about 1/6th of the way through the bottle.
I scream as I remove a beetle from the back of my mom’s shirt, she puts him in the garbage disposal and says, “shhh…listen” as she flicks the switch. I feel sad for him.
I document my progress to Snapchat. I can’t remember how to use two filters at once so I settle for the time.
I make a wish, wait, is this when I can do that? Is it exclusively 11:11? I don’t know. I watch a RIP Vine compilation. I know some of the vines so well that I can quote them on command (see: this bitch empty YEET)
My friend Dana texts me with the word “Kelsey”, a common occurrence in our correspondence that frightens me every time nonetheless. I have to pee already.
I use the bathroom for the first time since starting the article, an act I’m sure will increase in frequency as the night dwindles on. I forget my electronics and read the back of a bottle of “Finding Dory, Ocean Fruit Scented Bubble Bath”. It reads, “…long-lasting bubbles kids will love!” 1.) what is an “ocean fruit”?? and 2.) what bubbles do kids NOT love?????
omg u know what sounds so good right now?? Buckeye donuts
I open Tinder, and if u read my last article, u already know that was a BIG mistake
a shirtless man named “Erik” says my bio made him laugh out loud, he is shirtless
I take a picture of myself, it looks good!!!!!!!!11
did chance the rapper put that Hamilton song on his set list?????????????
American Football (For Sure) comes on, I transition into an emo state
I love the new man romper
I took a nap. Woke up to pee
my cake vs. pie twitter poll is at 50/50 with 4 votes, this is the most exciting part of my night
I watch my friend’s (kitty) live Instagram video, I only comment “biiitch” and I let her know that I am drunk as she does makeup for her night out. Wtf is the point of live videos, I’m 2ugly and 2anxious to do them. I text an old friend to let them know I am intoxicated
I realize I missed 11:11 and I cry a little at the notion of a lost wish, I swipe right so quickly on tinder that I run out of matches within the 10 mile radius. What if I miss my soulmate?? What if they are ELEVEN miles away from me??? This is too much
Is the weeknd the new Michael Jackson???????
accidentally restarted my computer, waited 25 minutes for it to restart and update, im back bitches, I have to pee
I know what ur thinking “wow that was a long bathroom trip” well it took me 3 minutes to figure out how to walk down the stairs to get back to my room so shut up
I document myself almost passing out
it’s done, the wine is gone, are you happy?????? I did this for you
I tell my friend eamon I love him, he knows this already but I feel it is relevant
eamon tells me he has a haircut tomorrow as well. We are soulmates
u no whats fucked up? The sims, like I can make my own life and make it way better than I could ever live irl but I will still forever exist in this shitty realm. Also I was dumped over facebook messenger and that would never happen in the sims which means it is way better than real life
I make fun of my friend sophia’s boyfriend because he looks like a literal sim from the game, hope I didn’t ruin a new friendship
I pee and stealthily take an ice cream cone from the freezer while my mom sleeps on the couch. SCORE
I finish the ice cream cone, bye evetyone it is time fr me to fall aslepe and forget this every happned
Thanks for reading bye